During the Covid-19 pandemic, I struggled a lot with friends as they left for university and I chose a gap year. I was in a dark tunnel I couldn’t go past–a trapeze of impulsivity masqueraded my anxieties; the only light I could see was my past achievements. So, I had made those milestones my whole personality. I discarded every possibility I could’ve been.
It was challenging especially with Bipolar disorder, and I went through maniac and depression phases. Most of the time, I felt scrutinized. So, I made a little quest on Slowly for people to decipher my name, using clues from books (page this, sentence that, fifth letter). I wanted to be known, but I didn’t want to be found.
That was until I met my pen pal here, who was an American living in Spain, who helped me get through my avalanche of dark thoughts.
As we wrote short stories for each other, and even novels, I learned to untangle my mind. Drafting, editing, revising. Slowly and steadily I became more gentle to myself, and eventually learned that people come and grow. The virtues of self-acceptance is now no longer limited to believing in myself, but also to know that every jeopardizing uncertainty between my Bipolar phases was worth to tell. It existed in every musical numbers I reprised as clues to my mysterious short-stories. It outlived me in my ten-episode essay project.
Now, I’ve been published in numerous magazines, and I am a director of dance-slam poetry performance and a theatre play. I look forward to direct a movie this semester in college. Studying English Literature has always been a gift, yet I keep finding myself getting back to the support, compassion, and determination from my pen pals here at Slowly. Those words are forever, and will always be beyond the measure to study about; a living proof that magic is real.
My pen pal studies Spanish Literature with a minor in Anthropology. Our common interest begins with sending letters to each other, and now we have traveled as exchange students continents away from home. Some words were harder to swallow than Cruzcampo. Some was surprises written as I waited for a Hanukkah roast. From carefully curating letters to pouring our hearts out, we grew.
I have over 100 friends in Slowly, coming from (mostly) Germany, USA, Czech Republic, Myanmar, South Korea. This number made me create a new account, where I schedule myself to reply to 8-9 letters a day, coming from countries I never saw on TV before. Uganda, Croatia, Azerbaijan, Faroe Islands. I think, not only that I’ve grown to find solace, I’ve also indulged myself in literature more than I wanted myself to. That, I would always be grateful for.
Thank you, Slowly, my pen pals, and team.
